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Vulnerability

In The Power of Vulnerability, Dr. Brene Brown, a professor at the University of Houston College of Social Work, delivered one of the most powerful speech conclusions I have ever heard in a TEDtalk. Dr. Brown’s goal was to have people change their perspective on vulnerability from a source of pain to a source of power. She taught her audience to embrace vulnerability in order to live a fulfilled and fulfilling life. She then reinforced the message in her conclusion:

But there’s another way, and I leave you with this. This is what I have found; to let ourselves be seen, deeply seen; to love with our whole hearts, even though there’s no guarantee – and that’s really hard, and I can you as a parent, that’s excruciatingly difficult – to practice gratitude and joy in those moments of terror, when we’re wondering, “Can I have this much? Can I be this fierce about this? Just to be able to stop and, instead of catastrophizing what might happen, to say, I’m just so grateful because to feel this vulnerable means I’m alive.” And the last, which I think is probably the most important, is to believe that we’re enough. Because when we work from a place I believe that says, “I’m enough,” then we stop screaming and start listening, we’re kinder and gentler to the people around us, and we’re kinder and gentler to ourselves.

For those of you into kink, have you noticed that some of the most wonderful, kind, caring empathetic and expressive people in the world are those that we know in our kink community, even behind the facades of stoicism and control?

It was a few years ago that I went to my first kink event of any kind, Mid-Atlantic Leather (MAL). The event is held yearly in DC, and I have managed to go it numerous times. During that first trip to MAL I met so many people, a ton of people that I still stay in touch with today. There have been connections created at that one event that mean the world to me. I remember leaving  with a sense of wonder.

When I arrived, I expected to see crazy things. Hot guys doing hot things. I expected to see toys I never knew existed. People doing things I didn’t know where possible. I was expecting to be scared at times. I thought for sure that there was something dark and sinister about what was happening at these wild sex romp parties known as Leather Events.

And that all happened! Sure. But at the end of the event I came to a far different conclusion as to what was my biggest take-away.

I was in a completely vulnerable space during that event in many ways. I was there with my then boyfriend, who had been before and was showing me around. I needed him to lead me through, to introduce me to people, and to allow me the space I needed to assimilate at my pace. On the first night I wore a tail plug through my jeans to show off my puppy side, the next my full latex suit, not having ever worn that before in public.

I was out in the open. I was vulnerable. And I was not alone.

All the wild things I expected, sure they were there. I saw and did things I didn’t know happened, but really that didn’t make as much of a lasting impression as the image of so many people just being their authentic selves, sharing who they are in a shame free, balls-to-the-wall approach to kink.

Much of kink is about vulnerability. Submitting to another is just another way of saying you are vulnerable to another’s wishes and desires. Doming another is also a form of vulnerability, by exposing your inner desires and kinks onto another human being, as a top you often expose a great deal of your inner desires to another person.

So at that first MAL I was taking in how much people where so into being exposed and vulnerable about who they were. They were saying: I am a dog! I am a piss pig! I am a Daddy. I am a slave! This is who I am.

I learned that kinky people are vulnerable in some way by stepping out and declaring what they are passionate about, what they become fiercely attached to. Instead of listening to the inner fears that catastrophize what might happen, they instead say, “I am who I am, I am open and vulnerable about who I am, and I feel alive because of it.”

It is a kind gift to ourselves to be open like that. To romp on the floor in the middle of a big room with 20 others puppies and just be in the moment rather than afraid of what someone says. And to create that moment for someone else, by taking command of them and leading them to that opportunity, takes empathy and it means you care enough about the other to take them there.

Sure I saw and did things that were kinky as hell and had a grand time, but all these years later I still remember what I walked away from that event with. I saw people that were at their best, giving their best, open and honest and vulnerable. And those people were ones that I was proud to call my friends.

vulnerability TEDtalk

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Episode 14 – Rubbout Recap

Sparky and Boy Trav got the chance to head to the 22nd Rubbout weekend up in Vancouver BC! It was a great time, and we wanted to share with you some of the adventures we had up there.

We do highly recommend you heading on over to Reid’s blog, as he is one of the organizers and can give the best review possible, which is exactly what he did!

We are also joined by one of the prize winners from the event, Brett.

Enjoy!

 

Show Notes

In the News

Discussion Topics

  • Bar night
  • Gear Swap
  • Pup Play thing
  • Rubber play party
  • Brunch

 

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Sad News of Another Loss

As seen on a friend’s blog, there is an announcement of another loss in the community due to self breath play.

It is extremely sad to hear of this loss, and our hearts go out to the family and friends of Pup Kai.

As a practitioner of breath play myself, at times like these I question if it is a good idea to do so. Just yesterday I engaged in a scene with a close friend where the scene ended with me putting a bag over his head then cutting off the air with a strap around the neck. I do this kind of play with this friend because we have talked through the play, what is is capable of and how far he is willing to go.

I also think of this site that I have been going to recently, called the Breath Control Network (which has been down for some reason) and can’t help but to start making some connections. There are a lot of great videos on there that I enjoy, but there are also a lot on there that I don’t enjoy because they involve death or near death experiences.

I am not into breath play because it is about death. I am into it because as you run out of air the orgasm you get is much more heightened.

But at times like this, when we have yet another life taken too soon when someone is acting out a fantasy they shouldn’t be doing alone and should know better I start to question myself.

Is posting up images and videos involving breath play, even when done reasonably and responsibly on my part, leading others to be willing to take unnecessary risks in their own play?

Should we all not consider being more forceful in our protestations to every person out there engaging in self breath play? If that helped one person would that not be worth it?

Hiding away breath play as a part of our kink world isn’t going to work. If anything, that is only going to make it worse, people are going to engage in this kind of play even if I hide my own participation in it. But I do think that perhaps we need to be more responsible about explaining how those scenes are set up safely and remind players out there they NEVER can do them alone.

Perhaps if we do that we can turn this death, and many others that have happened before, into something to learn from and stop future needless deaths.

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Episode 13 – Last Few Inches with Hypnosis

After the end of the last episode with Neil, we had put out to our listeners the opportunity to ask Neil some questions about hypnosis, and we received several really great questions. So, we scheduled this show as the follow up to go a little deeper into the subject.

We hope you enjoy this episode, it was another fun discussion!

 

Show Notes

In the News

Listener Questions

  • KinkZombie – Hello my rubber and leather bound cock floggers, Could Mr.Hypno give some resources for getting started with hypno? I have seen sites like WarpMyMind but the whole thing has an insider baseball feel. Any books, websites or anything else would be appreciated. (Neil refers to a book by  C. Roy Hunter – The Art of Hypnosis)
  • Cubskin – Hey Guys. Loving the new format podcast… Still got a couple to catch up with but had skipped ahead to ep6 with Neil and the hypno discussion as I had a meet arranged this week with a top also very much into this area. The Top has plenty of experience but unfortunately he was unable to get me to go under properly in our first play and we are going to try again but I guess my question for Neil is this something he comes across frequently and does he have any tips for me to help me relax and get into the right frame of mind? Working in IT I have quite an active/analytical mind which I guess doesn’t help… Don’t think I’m gonna be picked by any stage hypnotizes anytime soon lol
  • Dan – I was hoping you could ask Neil about what goes on during a paid erotic session. I’m a straight man with a hypno fetish who is very interested in an experience similar to what was described in this article: http://www.vice.com/read/erotic-hypnosis-gave-me-the-most-intense-orgasm-of-my-life . I have also wanted to know what it feels like to be a woman, is that possible with hypnosis?
  • Jpup1 aka Jordan – Hey guys, Here are a few questions about hypno for some more info
    • 1. Is there any way to leave hypnotic suggestions in place for longer periods of time than just a single session? For example cues and behaviors that help someone get into pup space easier or something?
    • 2. What are your thoughts about self hypnosis tracks like those offered on warpmymind.com
    • 3. Is there any way to combine erotic hypno and self improvement hypno at the same time?
    • 4. Are there any downsides to doing hypnosis? Other than malicious persons who would take advantage of you while you were in the trance
    • 5. Can you use hypnosis to help enforce chastity for a sub without a physical device?
  • Nightcat – Hello. I figured I would email you both my questions. So a little back ground: I’ve always been a little skeptical about hypnotism and whether it can really work or not. But I’ve always found the idea of it very hot. Now, after hearing the podcast, I really want to try it.
    • So, about 4 years ago my mom was diagnosed with emphysema. She tried everything in the book to quit smoking. As a last resort she tried hypnosis. Her first session she went into a deep sleep rather quickly. The hypnotist said my mom was super easy to get to go under. The hypnosis worked after a few sessions and she no longer smokes or has any desire to.
    • So my question: Is how your mind works hereditary. You see over and over again children picking up personality traits from their parents. Is it possible that because my mom went into the trance so easily that I could as well?
    • My next question is: There is a local group of Furs in the Seattle area that dabble in hypnosis. Nothing professional. I’m curious about going to them to get some experience. Neil touched a little bit on it and said it was fairly safe. I want to make sure that there is nothing that could accidentally go wrong with someone who doesn’t really know what they are doing. I’m a big fan about playing safe in all things that I do.

About Our Guest

Neil has been doing hypnosis since 2001, at first as a hobby (and tool of sexual exploration) and since 2009, as a full-time job. Practicing hypnosis lead him to discover his dominant side and explore the BDSM world. Neil lives in New York City. Find him on TwitterRecon, and his blog The Erotic Hypnotist.

 

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Episode 12 – SoundsFun

We recorded this episode with outgoing leather title holder SoundsFun (Damien) the same night we recorded Episode 11 with Knotty Brent. He is a local kinkster, and someone that I had played with back when he first started to get involved in play. The night of the recording was the night he was stepping down after a year as the Seattle Leather Daddy’s boy title holder for 2012.

We spend some time with him talking about what it has been like having a title and balancing the work that may involve with rest of his life. We learn more the leather contest system and why people get involved.

We have been looking forward for a chance to share with you this interview so you get a chance to get to know SoundsFun a bit more!

 

Show Notes

Discussion Topics

  • Porn – It helped inspire him, got to doing more creative rope bondage
  • Transition from being mostly bottom to a versatile/top
  • Kinky education, learning rope skills, mentors

About Our Guest

SoundsFun, or Damien (not to be confused with DVous1) is a local leather boy in Seattle. Besides some work in kinky porn as a bottom, he recently served as the Seattle Leather Daddy’s boy 2012. Find him on Facebook and Recon.

 

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Episode 11 – Knotty Brent

Hey all, been looking forward to sharing this episode for a while now! We had on rope bondage enthusiast KnottyBrent, who is the Mr Powerhouse Leather 2012 and the current Northern California Leather Sir 2013.

He was up to be a judge for the Seattle Leather Daddy and Daddy’s boy contest, held in October of 2012. Here at NoSafeWord we have been recording episodes for a while now, putting those shows in the can while we worked out a few things on the website development side. These canned episodes then are held in reserve until there is  week when we can’t record a new show (like this week, Sparky is on the road).

It was a great discussion to learn more about Brent and where he came from, his recent foray into titles and getting into kink, and finding his talent for rope!

Plus we start off the show talking about Daddy Tony’s and Mikey’s hosting of the contest that night as well, which ended up being a great time to watch them in action (not that kind of action, I mean hosting action, jeez!)

This was a fun show and a great time getting to know Brent, so I am very pleased to bring this show to you now!

 

Show Notes

Discussion Topics

  •  Heading to kink because of the finding out he was HIV
  • Always have been into bondage – true for other people. For him, it was the discovery very late in the system
  • Did some work professionally in bondage
  • Served as Mr PowerHouse Leather 2012

About Our GuestKnotty Brent

Knotty Brent has been tying up boys since 2010. While relatively new to kink and BDSM, Brent brings energy, irreverence and detailed knot work to the table.

His style combines shibari knots and techniques learned at SF Ring with decorative touches borrowed from traditional marlinspike seamanship. Brent regularly performs for BEATPIG every 3rd Saturday night at Powerhouse and has performed at the Edge, Chaps II and The Eagle in SF. He has also performed at The Bolt in Sacramento and IML 2011 for COLT Studios, for whom he does rope bondage work for the studio’s new brand, Bound Jocks. Fetish artist Nancy Peach recently opened a show at Wicked Grounds where two of her paintings feature his ropework.

Brent is honored to have recently won the title of Northern California LeatherSIR 2013 and will spend the year not only uniting Sacramento and the Bay Area but also going to smaller towns and bringing the San Francisco kink scene to them.

Find Brent on Facebook, Twitter, and Recon.

 

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Episode 10 – Pup Nitro

This was a fun one! We had such a great time chatting with Pup Nitro from Atlanta. And thanks to the pup for staying up late to be on the show! We spend some time talk about Nitro and his work in the leather community. You have to check this one out, and looking forward to talking with him some more in the future!

 

Show Notes

In the News

Discussion Topics

  • Where did you come from? Getting into kink
  • What is your family dynamic?
  • Community Building and why should you get involved.
  • Community Building Vs. Community Destruction
  • Just because someone’s a sub doesn’t mean they don’t have a voice.

About Our Guest

Bryson “Pup Nitro” Hankinson, International Leatherboy 2011, was born and raised South Carolina. In 2006, he moved to Atlanta where he met Sir Alan Penrod and began to discover his Leather Heart. Nearly a year later he earned his collar and was given his pup name, “NITRO” (Needs Intense Torture to Reach Orgasm).

Nitro is currently a Full Member of Panther Leather/Levi Club, and is a Co-Founder of the Hotlanta Rubber and Gear Club. He is the co-producer of the Mr. and Ms. Atlanta Eagle contest, and co-owner of Southeast Black and Blue, LLC. Nitro teaches BDSM and Leather Lifestyle classes on a variety of topics and enjoys any play involving tight bondage, mummification, rubber/latex, electricity, CBT, and watersports. He also serves as a mentor to other boys, helping them find their voice within our beautifully diverse leather community.

Find Nitro on Facebook and Twitter.

 

 

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Episode 09 – TJ and Brett

For this episode we are going to introduce you all to our friends TJ and Brett! They are local kinksters that just came together very recently. We talk about what it is like to start a relationship with the dynamics they have, like being two kinksters with similar and different kinks, dealing with age difference and everything in between. This is just the start, we want to bring these two boys back to talk even more about kinky relationships.

We’re getting to know every kinkster one story at a time!

 

Show Notes

In the News

Discussion Topics

  • How long into kink
  • What you are into
  • New couple
  • Age Difference

 

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Episode 08 – Larry Talks Fisting, Part 2

Hey all, we just had Part 1 not too long ago of this show, and we wanted to follow up with Part 2 right away to finish out the show. We are going to get even “deeper” into the subject of fisting with Larry! We want to talk technique and supplies and everything you need to know to get started.

Daddy Tony and Sparky both had a long with with long hours on the road for work, and flew back to town just hours before recording this show, so we are more than a little punchy, but was still a good time.

Enjoy!

 

Show Notes

Discussion Topics

  • Misconceptions
  • How to get started into it
  • Fisting vs. Handballing

About Our Guest

Larry has been a member of the kink and fetish communities for more than fifteen years. During that time, he served as President of the Steering Committee for Leathermen’s Discussion Group for three years, as Chair for the planning committee for Leather Levi Weekends 2007 and 2008, as well as serving as a member of the Advisory Council for Leather Leadership Conference XII, (San Francisco 2008).

In 2007, 2008 and 2009, he organized and coordinated the BDSM demonstration area at Leather Alley during SF’s Pride Festival following the Pride Parade. He has also done numerous public demonstrations on a wide array of play for the Stop AIDS Project, SF Citadel, The Society of Janus, Leather Levi Weekend, Leathermens’ Discussion Group, the Ring, ACLC, Sacramento Valley Leather Corps, Leather Leadership Conference, and the SF Leather Daddies, among others. He is now focusing his efforts on strengthening and enhancing the fisting community in SF.

In 2008, Larry began organizing weekend fisting retreats, known as Spring FFling. In September 2008, Larry brought a public fisting venue back to the SF sex scene for the first time since the closure of The Sling. Known as Hell Hole, this monthly play party, which focuses on safer-sex and drug-free play, has been widely and well-received by men not only in San Francisco, but from across the US and around the world. Larry began doing programs on fisting in 2005, and has been a frequent presenter on that topic.

In furtherance of his desire for educating others, in January 2010, the Handball Academy was born. The purpose of the Academy is to provide an educational setting where novices, the curious and those wishing to further hone and develop their fisting skills can come together in an informal setting among their peers to learn, share and grow. The Academy sponsors Novice Workshops, a 5 hour hands-in experience, and quarterly panel discussions, and hopes to implement a weekend Academy in the near future.

In June 2010, his booklet, “The Sacred Art of Fisting,” an outline of play, practice, and safer-sex techniques, was published thanks to a grant from the Stop AIDS Project. That booklet is now undergoing revision and its second edition is scheduled for publication in 2013 in both print and Kindle formats. In 2011, Larry and his partner Loy, began producing Fist Fest in Palm Springs, and in 2012, they brought the Fist Fest weekend to Augusta, GA for its East Coast debut.

Follow Larry on Facebook.

 

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Episode 07 – Larry Talks Fisting, Part 1

Daddy Tony invites over a friend of many years, Larry Shockey, to talk about fisting. Larry has been a long time fister, hosting many play parties in his home city of San Francisco and also leading work shops to teach people all they need to know about getting started in visiting.

We had so many questions and wanted to get so “deep” into the subject, we actually recorded a two part episode in one night. In the first part we learn a bit about Larry himself and how we got started in the scene. Coming up in part 2 we will get into some of the mechanics of fistings, such as good lubes, how to clean out and much more.

Daddy Tony and Sparky were pretty punchy in this show, having just came home from a long work trip, but damn if we didn’t have a good time. Lots of boys in the audience, lots of bondage going on, and a lot of fun all around!

 

Show Notes

Discussion Topics

  • New Orleans for Daddy and Sparky
  • Flight back for Daddy and Sparky
  • Larry Shockey Interview
  • What is he involved in now
  • How did he get into fisting
  • Got fisted by a woman

About Our Guest

Larry has been a member of the kink and fetish communities for more than fifteen years. During that time, he served as President of the Steering Committee for Leathermen’s Discussion Group for three years, as Chair for the planning committee for Leather Levi Weekends 2007 and 2008, as well as serving as a member of the Advisory Council for Leather Leadership Conference XII, (San Francisco 2008).

In 2007, 2008 and 2009, he organized and coordinated the BDSM demonstration area at Leather Alley during SF’s Pride Festival following the Pride Parade. He has also done numerous public demonstrations on a wide array of play for the Stop AIDS Project, SF Citadel, The Society of Janus, Leather Levi Weekend, Leathermens’ Discussion Group, the Ring, ACLC, Sacramento Valley Leather Corps, Leather Leadership Conference, and the SF Leather Daddies, among others. He is now focusing his efforts on strengthening and enhancing the fisting community in SF.

In 2008, Larry began organizing weekend fisting retreats, known as Spring FFling. In September 2008, Larry brought a public fisting venue back to the SF sex scene for the first time since the closure of The Sling. Known as Hell Hole, this monthly play party, which focuses on safer-sex and drug-free play, has been widely and well-received by men not only in San Francisco, but from across the US and around the world. Larry began doing programs on fisting in 2005, and has been a frequent presenter on that topic.

In furtherance of his desire for educating others, in January 2010, the Handball Academy was born. The purpose of the Academy is to provide an educational setting where novices, the curious and those wishing to further hone and develop their fisting skills can come together in an informal setting among their peers to learn, share and grow. The Academy sponsors Novice Workshops, a 5 hour hands-in experience, and quarterly panel discussions, and hopes to implement a weekend Academy in the near future.

In June 2010, his booklet, “The Sacred Art of Fisting,” an outline of play, practice, and safer-sex techniques, was published thanks to a grant from the Stop AIDS Project. That booklet is now undergoing revision and its second edition is scheduled for publication in 2013 in both print and Kindle formats. In 2011, Larry and his partner Loy, began producing Fist Fest in Palm Springs, and in 2012, they brought the Fist Fest weekend to Augusta, GA for its East Coast debut.

Follow Larry on Facebook.

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Episode 06 – Neil and Erotic Hypnosis

This week we get to spend some time with Neil, a New York based hypno therapist. He talks to us all about the ways in which erotic hypnosis works, what it is, and what it isn’t. We talk about the time Sparky was under several post-hypnotic suggestions during a leather event.

Hypno is a subject that people either are very into, just curious or highly skeptical, and our goal was to introduce the subject to everyone. We are looking forward to having further discussions with Neil to delve any deeper.

We are also putting out the call for any questions you may have about hypnosis; send them in and we will do a future show with Neil and read your question on the air!

 

Show Notes

In the News

Discussion Topics

  • Erotic-hypno.com
  • What is hypno, what isn’t it?
  • Personal stories
  • Why hypno?
  • The headspace, mindspace

About Our Guest

Neil has been doing hypnosis since 2001, at first as a hobby (and tool of sexual exploration) and since 2009, as a full-time job. Practicing hypnosis lead him to discover his dominant side and explore the BDSM world. Neil lives in New York City. Find him on TwitterRecon, and his blog The Erotic Hypnotist.

 

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Episode 05 – Bouncer, Mr. West Coast Rubber

This week we talk with the newly sashed Mr. West Coast Rubber, Bouncer Pup. He tells us all about his start and the wild ride he has had since he started in kink just a short while ago. We have a great time getting to know him more and what he is getting into, pressing limits and running for the new rubber title!

It was wonderful getting to know him more, hope you enjoy it as well!

 

Show Notes

In the News

Discussion Topics

  • How he got into kink and his time within the kink community thus far
  • Being kinky in Sacremento
  • Pushing Limits and how pushing my limits has shaped me as a kinkster
  • My WCR trip/contest weekend and what winning a title and being a title holder was and has been like

About Our Guest

I’m Bouncer Pup and I’m your regional rubber title holder for the west coast, not to mention a playful puppy dog who likes to chase things, bark at squirrels and kitties and have fun! What I’m all about is spreading rubber fun and kinky sexual expression to the masses; both the uninitiated and those already in our community who enjoy having fun in and out of the playroom!

I love meeting new people and making new friends and as the west coast titleholder for 2013 I hope to have fun putting on events and engaging fellow kinksters within and without the region.  Also, as a member of the Rubber Men of San Francisco I love helping to put on events with the club that draw in pervs from outside our region and bring new people into the world of rubber kink.  We have upcoming events usually each month that you can check out on our website: www.rmsf.org

2013 is already off to an incredible start and looks like it’ll be a year full of amazing experiences! I look forward to sharing in all that I can with the rest of you guys!

See ya around at these following events:  Mr. New England Rubber Contest 2013, IML 2013, Dore Alley in SF and Folsom Street Fair SF just to name a few!  Not to mention other trips taken throughout the year, Woof!

Find Bouncer on Facebook, Twitter, Recon, and Fetlife!

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Episode 04 – Rub One Out at Rubbout!

In this latest podcast, Daddy Tony and Sparky talk with Reid, also known as RubberCanuck, the main organizer of Rubbout, an annual rubber kink event in Vancouver.

Rubbout is a Vancouver, BC grass-roots organization that has organized a party weekend since 1991. We are staffed entirely by unpaid volunteers who do it purely for the love of rubber. The event will be held on April 12th to the 14th, with a lot of fun activities, including a rubber bar night, gear swap & silent auction, a puppy play party, a rubber play party, and a rubber brunch.

We talk with Reid about the event, all that is going on at the event, where it started and how it has grown. Enjoy!

 

Show Notes

Discussion Topics

  •  Jinx Monsoon in Hedwig and the Angry Inch
  • Rubout
  • Puppy contest
  • Evolution of where he got into rubber
  • Psychological nature of kink
  • Emergence of the west coast events
  • Puppy contests

About Our Guest

Reid (aka Rubber Canuck) is an avid rubberman and the lead producer of the Rubbout Fetish Weekend held annually in Vancouver, BC, now in its 22nd year. He is the former Mr. West Coast Rubber 2010 and Mr. Rubber Calgary 2008. Reid enjoys doing workshops and demonstrations of rubber and bondage gear in the Pacific Northwest, and has done so in Vancouver, Seattle, and Portland over the past few years for various groups and events. He has been writing the Rubber Canuck blog since 2006 and has been an active member of Vancouver Men in Leather since 2008. He lives with his partner Paul and is also active with the gay running, swimming and cycling groups in Vancouver. Follow him on Twitter, or his blog.

 

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Episode 03 – I’m Not Laughing

In this episode, we take a moment to respond to an email we received from one of the co-founders of the Bareback Brotherhood, talking about the parody interview we did with “gollum”. Apparently he didn’t care for our brand of humor and took the time to tell us we got it all wrong.

Then proceeds to never mention how or why we are wrong.

Throwing out all kinds of weird accusations and hyperbole, from “Condom Nazis” to claiming we are adding to his “death threats”, he focuses only on the reaction and never the substance.

So, we respond the only way we know how… record it!

 

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