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Safety – Research Your Top

From time to time, you will notice people will indicate in their profile something along the lines of, “I only add friends to my buddy list if I met you in person.” Now to some extent this comes from not wanting to get a bunch of people in the friends list you don’t know (excluding those that gather profile buddies to show off, of course).

But there is also another reason that many do so: we all have a common understanding that to some way or another we are “vouching” for that person in our buddy lists.

Take for example my own profile on Recon as an example (here). Nearly every one of the people on there are people that I have played with or know very well. There are a couple I may not have played with yet, but I added them because I checked their references.

Each time I am approached by someone to play, I check their friends list on whichever of the profile sites I am on. I am looking for anyone I know that I can check in with, see what they say. And everyone on my buddy list I am comfortable with giving a recommendation about me (or not, if I pissed you off, LOL).

This natural network has developed over the last few years has become a resource for players and newbies alike, and I know I am not alone in keeping the idea of a buddy list “sacred” for this very reason.

I realize there are hot guys you may want to play with that don’t have a lot of buddies. This system I describe isn’t meant to replace researching a top before you let him tie your ass up. You need to find out who you submit your freedom to.

But, it is a good start.

Ask around before you play. Check their experience, make sure if they are going to put a bag over your head they know what they are doing. Before they try to fry your ass with electro, ask others if the experience with that top is worth it.

In the long run, it makes for the best scenes, anyway.

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Another day of sad news…

Today, I came home to find some messages to letting me know about a friend who passed away yesterday. Out of respect for his partner, for his family, and for the fact that I am only just hearing about this now, I choose not identify who has passed. He was a friend from Europe that I had met and played with while I was living on the east coast, and had stayed in touch with him since.

What I just heard was that it was in fact something related to play in some way, which is very sad as well. The numbers of friends that have died in similar circumstances in the last few years is truly horrifying (see my previous post here). It is starting to become a numb feeling with each one, especially given how much I have gotten into edge play myself over the last couple of years.

Truthfully, I have to wonder how much have I contributed to that with this blog, especially with the heavy breath play videos. My openness that I do in fact play with poppers, including the kind that have been directly involved in some of these deaths, is that something I need to modify?

After coming to terms with the sadness of this friends death, it is hard not to be angry. Our of respect for this friend I won’t be angry at him, but I know my thoughts are already turning to the next person that is out there. How many warnings does it take, how many safety courses created by communities only to be under attended will there be, what will it take to get everyone to see that they need to be careful, to know how to play safely without death. When will it be clear that no orgasm is worth dying over.

And at one point do we say, you are stupid for letting this happen to you.

After one similar such death a friend approached me in the bar one night to chat about the circumstances of how our mutual friend had died. It was rumored that spray poppers were the culprit. Then this boy that I was chatting with shows me a can of the same poppers in his pocket and asked me if it was, “too soon.” Knowing that this boy doesn’t play with others (thinking there were no real kinksters in Seattle) I asked if he was using those by himself. He said that he had been.

To which I said, “We all feel bad that X has died. It is tragic that such a senseless death happened when it didn’t need to happen. So we all feel bad for X. But after knowing what happened to him, if you accidentally kill yourself by playing with that shit by yourself, no one is going to feel bad for you. We are going to think you are an idiot.”

And then, I walked off.

Each time it happens to someone else since I said that I haven’t felt they were idiots. I haven’t been angry that they were so careless.

I just feel sad.

I am left only to wonder what can be done to make this stop. To teach others to play safe so we don’t have to go through this again. I wonder if there is more that the clubs, organizations, contests, vendors or kink websites can do. I wonder if there is more that everyone can do to help our brothers in the kink world not from paying to high a price

I tell everyone I play with not to play with spray poppers of any kind on their own. I try to show those that I play with the lessons I learned over the years from others on how to play safe. I put warnings on my videos that have some. And I try to make sure that this blog is as informative as as I can make it on how to have safe play.

What I need to decide is, is it enough.

Will any of it ever be enough to make it stop so we don’t lose another?

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No Safe Word?

Over the course of the last several months, as I get more and more followers to the blog (thank you to you all, BTW, I appreciate you all!) I have received several questions regarding the name of the blog.

No Safe Word

The question is always along the line of; I am assume you don’t use safe words when you play.

First, the name I chose was meant to have a dual meaning regarding the blog itself. There is no safe words here, nothing but my own truth that can at times be sharp and jagged. I don’t intend this blog to be entirely safe for everyone as it may challenge, push or prod from time to time.

But let me say, I don’t tend to use a safe word when I play, not because I don’t believe in the ability of the sub to use them, but because I don’t believe that as a Dom I need to have them. It is more of a ritual that gives the sub some form of comfort, but they may not necessarily need comfort to reach the right headspace for the scene.

There have only been a couple of times when something has become so intense that I have had to resort to a “safe word” both in scenes where none was established, yet I was able to communicate to the top that something was wrong.

When I play with a sub, I don’t use the safe word as I, the Dom, listen to the boy and the reactions, adjust when need to. And I find myself when I sub not wanting to use them with Dom’s because if I felt I needed one I don’t particularly think the Dom is in tune with me and therefore I don’t need to play with them.

When I started playing as a Dom, I used them and I am glad I did. And I encourage others to as well until you can read your subs and feel confident that you are in control of the scene. But at this point in my life, as a Dom or a sub, I don’t need them any longer.

That is one way to grow in your kink.

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Sock Powder

I need to credit my former boyfriend, Oneill67 for this one, but I have run into so many people who have loved how I prep my rubber that I thought it would be a good idea to share here.

Some people always use lube for the inside of their rubber gear, and some use talc powder. Sure, both are great options and have their advantages. I have been using, however, J-lube in just powder form. You get the advantage of a dry powder to put the rubber on easily with no fuss and goo, but once you start sweating you get lovely feel of the tight rubber moving with your skin as the j-lube liquefies.

The best application for it, is the sock seen below.

What you do is take an old tube sock that is at least crew length and fill the toe part with the dry powder. The more the better, then tie off the sock as seen in the photo. You want to use an old sock rather than a new one as you want it to be more porous and release more of the powder when you need it.

When it is time to apply the sock powder you simply bang the ball of the sock on the inside of your rubber all about to get a nice even coating. The more you bang it around, and the harder you do, the more powder will get spread around. I usually lay my gear on the floor for this kind of application.

Another advantage of this method of storing rubber is that when it is time to put your gear on you can choose to just use the powder, or you can add your favorite liquid lube to make getting in easier. This will mix with the j-lube, which should help keep the lube around longer between your skin and the gear, extending the time you can wear. I have gone nearly 24 hours in the same gear.*

Hope this helps!

* – Keep in mind that long term wear of rubber gear is not that great of an idea. At a certain point your skin needs to breath, so a break from the gear from time to time is best.

sock powder



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MAL – Hypno Bondage – Part 2

This post is part 2 of 3 in the series MAL - Hypno Bondage.

For those that didn’t catch it the previous post, you can catch up to the story here.

After dinner I met up in the lobby Neil once again, his buddy MDW (of fame from his blog, he just recently posted about this experience) and with Bo, the writer of the blog that inspired me to go try this with Neil and also the awesome pup I had played with the night before. It was time for some hang time in the lobby.

I was decked out in my rubber gear (yellow zip front muscle shirt, rubber cod piece shorts) with a set of Carhart black overalls over that (years of my husband’s obsession with Carhartts is starting to spill over!) and a pair of boots. There was a lot of chatting and hanging out with buds, especially with the four that I mentioned. I am going to try to piece together what happened as best as I can.

From time to time Neil would change my horniness level by giving me the Horny followed by a number command, sometimes putting me on level 5, some times on level 10. When on 1O was practically molesting Bo right there, and at one point was molesting my husband (though he was not really into it and decided to head back to where we were staying).

Now MDW just got himself a new pair of boots, something I was talking with him about prior to the event, and they were looking good on him. He had teased about looking forward to making me lick his boots during one of our chats online before the event. So when Neil said, “Control” and directed me to drop and lick his boots, well, I did it with gusto. I probably would have done it anyway, but made it all that much hotter that I was doing it while commanded to do so. Also, I would have been self-conscious about doing it in front of everyone in the lobby on just my own .

I have licked boots before, sure. And sometimes, it is just fucking hot to do it because the top wants me to. Sure. But there on the floor of the host hotel, in front of all these fucking hot ass men, I was rock hard again, and rubbing my cock against the hard floor. Anyone walking by would have thought I was the most enthusiastic boot licker ever!

After being told to stop that I came up and experienced some orgasms that Neil gave me. So far in the story I left out one of the other suggestions that I was given in our individual session earlier that afternoon. Orgasm.

Neil had given me the hypnotic suggestion that when he grabbed my wrist I would feel a wonderful orgasmic feeling. He did it several times in our session, especially as a reward for our after the blow job I gave him. Now there are two things I need to tell you about Orgasm.

First, it is hard to describe what I felt whenever he grabbed my wrist. First, for me it wasn’t like when you shoot and you have that stuttery and jittery jumble of weird ass faces and sounds. For me it was like that moment just before you shoot, that intense feeling that goes all over your body and you are about ready to just release. So as such I wasn’t shooting when he did this, just a very drawn out version of what is usually only a few seconds before you shoot.

Second, just like having real orgasms I was getting fatigue from it. Now I have had some days when I can get off several times a day. I still get off about 1 to 2 times a day now. There have been times when I have had a free day and decided to just go at a nice long jerk off session of several orgasms. The most I have been able to do in one day is 5, but really after 2 it gets really hard to do.

In our individual session, he must have done it to me at least a dozen times. Likely more. I was losing track. I was having these waves of that orgasmic-just-before-you-shoot moments drawn out over and over, and the more he did it, the more I was having trouble staying hard with my dick. It was getting more and more tired, but my mind was loving it.

So after licking MDW ‘s boots he grabbed my wrist several times and I would just start to buckle as I “came”, over and over again. He would sneak over and hit me with it when I was distracted, or he would blatantly do it so I could see it coming. Each time it was getting more tiring on my dick, but just like a marathon jerk session, it was getting more and more intense and getting me more and more subby, often it would cause my knees to buckle and I would end up a pile of rubbery goo on the floor.

At one point a friend, rubbercub, comes over just after I am reduced to one seuch pile of orgasmic goo on the lobby floor in front of everyone, and I hear him talking to Neil and MDW about the water bottle of piss he just emptied out of his bag. He was walking around in full rubber, complete with a body harness and a full rubber trench coat, and a bag to catch his piss from the cock sheet he was wearing.

MDW , the devil he was, suggested that Sparky needed to drink that piss, so while I am sitting on my knees and humping the air and feeling up his boots, he takes rubbercub’s piss bottle, and begins filling up a cup, then feeding it me. I am not sure if it was just that I am a piss pig, or if it was rubbercub’s, whom I have had a big old crush on since the day I met him, but that was one of the hottest things ever.

Now, to the outside observer my behavior must have been odd. Sure I get subby sometimes, but I never let go like that and make it so public (ok, maybe not NEVER, but it is rare! Sort of). And it was hard not to ask Neil to demonstrate on me every five minutes that had me under his control, so I tried to limit when I asked. Still it was greatly fun when he did, especially when he did Cuffs. He left me standing there with my arms trapped behind my back, nothing really binding them but my mind and his voice, but try as I might I couldn’t break it. I loved it when we showed that to people around the lobby from time to time.

At one point of my favorite little kinksters, Kai, came over to see me, and when he learned how under control I was and what was going on, he got this devil smile on his face. Knowing that at that moment I was on horny ten he began kissing me, biting me all over my face, arms, whatever. Tits pinch, everything. And I was loving it! And if I hadn’t made a spectacle of myself before that moment, I certainly did when he picked me up (that boy is surprisingly strong) and began tickling me while I was perched up on his back. I don’t think there was anyone in the hotel that wasn’t hearing me scream right then. After dropping me down to another pile of goo on the floor, walking away with that evil grin that only Kai can give!

After a few moments the gang I was with decided to wander about, and we found ourselves in a part of the lobby that was obscured by some pipe & drape away from the main floor area. By this time a hot guy I have known for some time that I will call J joined in. Now I have known J for sometime, though he has always connected with (and played with) my hubby more than me, but I have always thought he was hot and loved that he was now a part of the group.

After Neil was grabbing my wrist and sending me into several bouts of Orgasms that left me on the floor again, the boys all started taking turns fucking around me while they played and talked with each other, all the while avoiding the hotel staff that would occasionally wander through. I don’t remember all the sequence of events, but I remember a lot of what happened.

The more subby I was getting, the more I was barking and growling, the inner pup in me coming out. At one point my face was shoved into Bo’s boots, with MDW holding me down with a boot to the back of the neck and back. Soon Bo’s boot came off and his rubber covered foot was shoved in my mouth.

Now, here is where those that really know me may say bullshit. Everyone knows I fucking hate feet. But I was on Horny 10 at that point, and riding the high of what must have been 40 or so Orgasm commands by then, and I had one hand on J’s hot skin boots, my crotch rubbing the ground, and MDW’s boot in my back. I would have done anything they wanted at that point! I don’t know how long I sucked on that boy’s toes, but it seemed like an hour at least to me.

After some time hanging out there, and me in a fucking rucked up mood to do whatever these men wanted to do to me, we went back to Neil and MDW’s room for some more play. When we arrived I remember Neil’s Control suggestion for me to take my clothes off, which I readily did. If you recall from the last one post about this day, that was a big thing for me, but it felt natural and ok to be naked in front of everyone. There was a lot of play from there, with me playing the role of super sub to everyone there (though I do remember a moment when I was ready to mount Bo because he was playing with me and working up the Dom side in me he had seen the night before. He makes me want to do evil things whenever he gives those puppy eyes of his!).

And I finally got to play around with J, which I have been wanting to do, especially see him this weekend because he was just wearing one hot piece of gear after another. I loved chewing on his nips for a long time and sucking on his cock for a long time, all while playing around with Bo as well. MDW and Neil also were playing with them, and me, as well as another surprise guest who came by to sniff MDW’s socks for a while.

But the best of all, not to take away from any of that, was whenever Neil would come over and grab my wrist, which by this time was just becoming torture through pleasure. But I was loving it. Also, he would point out how well I was doing with being open and vulnerable and naked. Truly an awesome moment.

Eventually it was time to head home as it was getting late, and after what seemed like 50 some odd hypno orgasms I was spent. I got dressed and said my goodbyes, running into a new boy I met outside as I made my way to the car (I was staying off site). He must of seen the glow I was on as we chatted, though I remember nothing of what we talked about. I think he must have thought I was nuts.

Still processing all that had happened I drove home, arriving back after 5am, ending a 13 hour adventure.

So, one final note about this whole thing that I feel I need to share. Some people know that I have a few insecurities. I have exposed a few of them here in this post. The first was at the very beginning of this, when I first read Bo’s blog of his hypno experience. I had to work through ideas that this hot man with a unique and very hot talent was ever going to be interested in me, especially when he gets to play with other much hotter boys than me. And there were doubts of if I could do this, if I wanted to do this, if it was going to work, if I would like it, if I would like it too much.

But I am glad I did, and that was due in large part to Neil. I am looking forward to keeping him in my list of friends and staying active with him going forward, but anyone wanting to try this I would highly recommend just contacting him and seeing what it is about. There are only a few Top’s I would give an unequivocal recommendation to, he is one of them.

I hope you have enjoyed me sharing this story with you.


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MAL – Hypno Bondage

This post is part 1 of 3 in the series MAL - Hypno Bondage.




For weeks leading up to MAL I have been chatting with a man from NYC who is into erotic hypnosis and hypnotic bondage. I had heard of Neil the Erotic Hypnotist based on the recommendations of some friends. I am going to attempt, as best as I can to describe the experience I had with him, which counts up in one of the most amazing kink experiences ever.

You can read up on the experiences of a very hot little pup, Bo, on his blog. A great read and gives a highlight of a very similar experience, though given mine was in the middle of an event I will be focusing more of what was unique to my experience. I think it is good for those that are unfamiliar with his blog post, however, to read it before continuing as his post is what inspired me to contact Neil and seek this out.

I will also begin with a caveat. There are those that don’t believe what I am writing to be possible, real or chalk it up to mystic voodoo. For you, if you want to read on with a skeptical mind, feel free to feel that way, I am not going to try to convince you otherwise. All I can tell you is that my feelings were similar enough to understand how you feel, and my husband I believe was in your camp as well. Not now. Not after this weekend.

If after reading this you still need to be convinced, check out Neil’s FAQ.

For weeks ahead of meeting him in person we spent time talking online. Not always about hypno, or about the erotic parts of hypno, but just things in general. There area a few things that I tell every newbie out there regarding how to get their feet wet in kink, one of them is enjoy who you submit to as a person rather than just how hot they are. If you are just looking to get off, have them stick a dick up your ass and be done with it. If you want to have your mind blown, your soul changed, your insides moved, and have the best damn sexual experience you ever have in the world, then make sure you at least like the person you are playing with.

With Neil, it is easy. He answered all my questions and is just a very easy guy to talk to overall. And in person, the first night of MAL when I met him for the first time, it proved to continue to be true. One word I use often to describe people that I really like is genuine, probably because I have never been that great at seeing through BS (no, I don’t want to play poker with you now). He really is a genuine guy, open about what he is and what he isn’t into. So after talking with him a little Friday night, we agreed to meet up on Saturday afternoon for the session to begin.

I arrived to his room at the agreed time, and we spend a lot of time talking about what hypno is, what it is not, and some of the myths everyone has about it. We had a long discussion, and I felt more and more comfortable as we chatted, easily able to open up and give him ideas of what I was thinking at that moment and listen to what he had to say.

Rather than spending time on the process, which in some ways I remember really well and in others not so much, I am going to get more into the action of what happened and the reactions it was producing in me.

When it was time to begin we agreed on what we were going to do during the session, some of which was from a therapeutic perspective. One of those I can share, since I think it is integral to the story, is body image issues.

I have never been happy with my body. When one thing is working, something else bothers me. Growing up with flaming read hair and very pronounced freckles makes you a target for other kids ridicule, but when I got comfortable with that something else comes up. A good example is my nips. They have always stuck out, a lot. In middle school I dreaded Shirts & Skins games in PE as I knew I was going to be made fun of for them. However, once I came out I learned there are a lot of guys that are into big nips, especially because they are really chewable and really connected (yes, I have cum from just getting my nips chewed with no one touching my dick). As with my red hair, discovering a part I was self conscience about to be a turn on for guys I liked didn’t mean it went away, it just went elsewhere.

So I wanted some help with feeling more comfortable with my body, and that became a part of what we agreed to. I was nervous prior to meeting about this, especially given how much I found Neil to be a really hot guy. At one point he sent to me a photo of him in under armour to me, my biggest weaknesses. He has a great chest, which is one of my favorite things on a guy. So from the beginning I intimidated about playing with someone I found to be so hot.

Additionally we added some discussion about the fun part, hypno bondage. Now, as some of you may have noticed, I am into heavy bondage. Some would say scary bondage. Fully confined gets me off. So the idea of nothing confining me at all seemed a little far fetched. Not that it wasn’t possible, just not possible for me. I was even concerned that if it did work I wouldn’t get off on it as I wasn’t surrounded with the usual amounts of rubber and chain and other toys.

How wrong I was.

When we started I was in my rubber gear, though just a little. A pair of cod-piece front shorts and a yellow zip front muscle shirt. He had me lay down on the bed and we began with him talking me through relaxing and listening to him. As he had encouraged me to do, when my mind wandered I let it, and there were times when I caught myself wondering what he was saying. In the very relaxed atmosphere so I just wasn’t always processing what he was telling me to do.

After him putting me under a few times and taking me back out a few times, the first to test how I was doing, the others to do some of the therapeutic suggestions we agreed to. At one point he woke me up and I told him I had to piss, so he said go ahead. Here is the first time my mind was blown, and what felt like previously were moments of doubt were starting to melt away.

As I walked to the bathroom in my rubber gear I knew, with my conscious mind that there was something he wanted me to do, and I knew that I knew what it was, but I really needed to piss at that moment, so I was telling myself I will get to it in a moment, just pee first. Then I started thinking, you know, I am not sure if this is working, am I going under or do I just think I am.

Off comes the rubber shirt.

Now I am thinking, glad I took that off, that is much better. The confining rubber around my shoulders was probably distracting me. I finish the piss, then…

Off comes the shorts.

After putting the shorts with the shirt on the sink, I returned back to the bed in the other room, completely naked.

Now, at this point, of those that have played with me, try to think of if you have ever really seen me naked. If you have it was because I was putting something on or taking them off (unless we were in a relationship, hehe). So in I walk back to the room leaving my rubber gear behind, and blop back over on the bed, when that feeling that there was something I was supposed to do came back, but this time really strong.

I am going to take a moment to describe this moment in a way that really captures it, because this really tossed my mind about in my skull.

Have you ever been talking about a movie or TV show, and someone asks what the name of the star is, and you just have the name and you know you know it, but can’t get it out. Tip of the tongue. The idea that there was something I was supposed to do, that he wanted me to do, was very strong and I knew I know what it was, it was on the tip of my tongue. That is what it was like when I laid down, but when I looked up into his eyes, and saw this smile, I knew what it was. Just like that moment when you suddenly remember an actors name, I suddenly remember what it was that he told me to do when I was under.

I was to take off all my clothes.

Earlier he and I talked about the difference between the conscious mind and the subconscious mind. My mind, my conscious part of the brain was telling me a series of things to do because I needed to do them that led me to the event my subconscious was directed to do by Neil when I was last under. He told me when I would next wake up I would want to take off all the rest of my clothes. So when I woke I had an event that needed to get me to a place where I would take off my clothes.

The part that was the odd part, the one that took my doubt away, was when he smiled at me after I looked up at him on that bed, completely naked. The memory of him telling me when I was under to take my clothes off after I woke, and that I would remember that I would when he asked me about it but not before, well, that was the kicker. It wasn’t that I didn’t remember, it was that a part of my brain was telling my conscious mind, don’t worry about it, we will think about that later, first pee. Then, I should take this shirt off, then we can think about it, well, there are the pants to, then we can remember. I don’t want to stand in this bathroom like a weirdo while standing there ponder what it was that I was to be doing, so I will just go back in the bedroom area and we can figure it out, that bed is inviting, lets hop on up there, look at Neil… Holy shit that fucking worked!

So now, when it was time to go under again, I was ready to go!

Again, I am not going to go into the process of what happened next, but I will take a few moments to describe what the results where, especially the next best part of the experience that kept fucking with my head: Cuffs.

After he gave the hypnotic suggestion of Cuffs and I was brought back to being fully awake and out of the hypnotic state he could pull both of my wrists together and tap my wrists, then say “cuffs”. The result was I couldn’t separate my hands.

Now, even with the naked thing earlier, I was skeptical of the bondage part the most, and again I was surprised with the reaction. I have experienced heavy poppers, oxygen deprivation, even chloroform, all of which prevented me from having control of my body. In those cases my mind was unable to make commands of my body, that wasn’t it at all. Here my mind was fine, I was fully awake and able to think like normal, but willing my hands apart was not resulting in it happening.

At first, I was experiencing this feeling like, ok, sure it works a little, but it can’t last. I just have to try harder. I tried breathing calmly, I tried straining, I even tried relaxing figuring it was some sort of Chinese finger cuff trick, all didn’t work. My arms just decided, naw, I am going to stay where they are.

I was getting all subby before that, which is a fun headspace to be in and one that I have done a lot, but when he put my wrists together for the first time, and gave that devil smile of delight as he watched me realize everything he had been telling me for weeks was true, that is when I dropped in full sub mode.

He demonstrated a few other things as well, all of which was so fun to experience, but I am going to skip ahead a little bit to the next best part of the sessions. There were two more hypnotic suggestions I should explain. One was Control, where he would touch me in a certain spot and then say Control, followed by a command to follow. The other was Horny, where he would do a similar touch, say Horny then give a number from 1 to 10 to tell me how horny I was.

I could tell he was getting off on the control as much as I was, and with Cuffs in place with my wrists behind my back, he gave me Horny 10, which made me want to do everything. I would have fucked a tree if it was nearby. It didn’t just turn on like a light bulb, more like someone putting down the gas pedal slowly and steadily, and away I went. He then gave me Control, and told me to suck his cock.

Now, I feel every boy needs to have a goal, something to accomplish (not every Dom agrees, that is fine, it is my belief) and one of mine was to blow this man to his satisfaction, especially knowing he loved that. Sure, I have had my share of cock in my mouth, but I don’t remember ever getting anyone off with just mouth. My husband is amazing at it, and I often am jealous of his ability to suck cock. I just didn’t get that gay gene.

So when I was commanded to blow Neil, it was all I wanted to do, and I was rock hard doing it. The more I blew him, the more I tasted his cock and felt/heard his reactions to my attention, all the while pulling on my unrestrained but uncooperative wrists behind my back, I just kept getting harder. I can get off on pain, a skill I acquired only in the last couple of years, but never have I had pain on my cock from just being hard without a cock ring. In fact, that is exactly what it felt like, having a too tight metal cock ring on. The closer he got the harder I got, the more painful it was, the more hot I was.

I want to describe the wave of feeling of what happened next. In my line of work I have been integral part of the production team for large events. I have stood on the floor of an arena and watch an audience screen and cheer to the work I did. I have met celebrities of all kinds, seen sides of notables that no one knows about. I have climbed the inside of the Super Dome, and been on the set of one of the most famous, long running television shows in the country. Imagine what it is like to feel that level of pride in what you do.

When I felt his load hit my mouth, I felt the same thing, that exact same feeling of disbelief I get to be a part of this, and that I am having a moment that never happened before and will never happen again like that. I sucked that man off and was fucking getting off on it. I just had this huge wave of, holy fuck yea that was awesome.

What followed was a bit of other play, then did we did one last follow up moment of me going under. He gave me some more suggestions, and I remember it best because I was on such a high at that moment. Once I was under he left a suggestions in my subconscious to reinforce some of the other items we had done earlier, as well as adding that I would feel happy and energetic and horny for the rest of the night.

Now, the rest of the evening I am going to have to follow up in another post, as it was truly a unique experience and truly a memorable one! But a couple of additional detail before signing off this post.

The happy, energetic and horny suggestion certainly worked. I met back up with my husband, and we did some shopping in the mart (can’t wait to share about some of the pieces I get there!). The entire time we were doing that, as well as dinner after with some friends, and the lobby hangout after, I was bouncy. Very bouncy.

I drink my caffeine through Diet Coke, but have done coffee before I swore off it. This doesn’t compare. It was a natural high of energy. I was literally bouncing and chatty, humming and darting my attention all around. My husband accurately described my behavior that night like being drunk without the negative side of it, though I might take it a step further and say it was like experiencing a runner’s high without the bother of running. The suggestion of being happy and energetic worked and I just rode with it.

Now, I must break for a while from this post. I know it is incredibly long, but there was so much to tell, and much more to go. I will continue in the next part.

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MAL Condensed Report

  • Number of loads I had: 5
  • Number of orgasms I had: Lost track! (will explain in future posts why they are different)
  • Number of boys I made out with: 11 (no shit! It really was 11! Whew)
  • Number of hot guys spotted: They all wouldn’t sit still long enough to count
  • Number of puppies I kept thinking about because they weren’t there with me: 3 (you know who you are and missed each of you!)
  • Amount of money spent in the leather mart: Groan, don’t ask
  • Best new kink I tried: Hypno!
  • Best use of an old kink: Electro (finally maxed the box out on a boy, more on that later)
  • Number of brand new friends: 8 (how fucking awesome is that!)
  • Number of friends I didn’t get to spend enough time with: Way, way too many
  • Number of awesome Daddies who were hosts, guides, some times cooks,  always logistics coordinators, entertainers, and made for a perfect event: 2 (you know who you are!)
  • Funniest thing seen: A bellman taking out a luggage cart piled with the following; lots of luggage, a motorcross helmet, a leather motorcycle jacket, an industrial fan/blower, and a game of Twister. Must have been some night.
I know they can’t last forever, but damned if this wasn’t an awesome event. Thank you to everyone!
Note: There was a lot of consternation about the hotel and the rules, the new costs policies and some of the issues that came up. I know it wasn’t perfect for all, but it wasn’t that bad either. We have to realize that a change in venue was necessary, and there was some things that didn’t fire on all cylinders like we are used to. It was still a great event overall, and hopefully they improve it next time.
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Wrapping up MAL

Hey there all

I am at my friend’s house, with a smaller group of us sitting around enjoying each other’s company after a weekend of craziness (some are still playing, some are sleeping it off!) so I decided to sneak away for a few moments to write down some thoughts about this weekend.

MAL has been special for me for some time. It was my first leather event of any type when I first started this journey. It was the first event I took my husband too and our first vacation together somewhere. And it was the first place I have met some truly wonderful people that I am proud to still call my friends. So MAL has been a series of firsts each time I have gone.

This trip was no different.

As I sit here thinking of the firsts that I experienced this weekend, it is kind of overwhelming, and all that I can say for right now is how amazing of a trip this has been. As soon as I post this I am going to start writing up one part, and I believe there will be some blog postings up on some of the other sites that I will be referencing :)

So can’t wait to organize these thoughts and share with everyone!

I also want to take a moment while riding this high to thank everyone. I got a lot of positive comments this weekends, from friends and strangers alike, about this blog and what I have shared. And I am excited to begin moving forward with the next evolution of the site that will be coming soon. Thank you all for continuing to follow and to contact me, truly a unique and wonderful experience!


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Age Ranges – Does it matter?

A few months ago I was speaking with a friend online about age ranges. He felt that now he was getting a little older (40s) he was going to have a hard time finding guys to play with because most want younger guys.

I disagreed and said that the amount of people that only look for younger guys is rather small, which he didn’t believe at all. So I set out to prove him wrong.

Now, perception is a very tricky thing. It is very easy for someone to believe in fact that which we perceive, but sometimes we can only see what we want. If we believe that most guys are looking only for younger guys, then each time we see an example it only reinforces the notion but we don’t take into account the complete picture.

So I set out to do a little experiment. This is not scientific by any means. I chose to review profile from a single source: Recon. And I didn’t look outside of the US as I didn’t want to choose only profile that I could read (only can read English). Finally, only those people who were online were looked at, not necessarily those that may be offline, though the samples were taken over the course of months to help mitigate this.

However, at the same time the same sets were taken from around North America, looking at numerous states and population centers. I had several volunteers assist with collecting data and gathered profile data on several hundred profiles. We collected the location, age of the person in the profile, their status as a top or bottom, and if they listed in their profile an age range they were seeking.

Here are the results:

  • There was no significant difference of this percentage between any region, state or urban versus rural locations
  • Of all profiles reviewed, only 15% of them had any specified age range that the person was looking for.
  • Of that 15%, only 4% of all the profiles indicated a preference for guys only younger than themselves.
  • Of that 15%, only 6% of all the profiles indicated a preference for guys near their age or younger
  • The remaining 5% of the 15% specified an age range that was range both below and above their own age equally (e.g., a 35yo man indicating he is seeking anyone from 25 to 45, or similar ranges).
  • Of those that do specify an age range, 89% were Tops/Doms. 6% were switches. 5% bottoms/subs.
  • 85% of all profile had no mention of a specified age range they were seeking at all.
  • Of those that specified an age range, 56% were in their 30’s. The remaining were evenly split between those in their 20’s, 40’s, 50’s. Those in their 60’s were the least likely to specify any age range, but not by a significant amount.


While there are those out there that do seek out people within a specific age range, most aren’t specifically stating it. There is a possibility that there is some number of individuals that may be harboring such criteria but not stating it in the profile, but even if that would be the case it would have to be a rather large number of people that would be doing so to significantly alter these findings, which may be unlikely. It is far more likely that most players in the kink world do not have any significant factor for age when seeking out someone online. While not a scientific study in its entirety, we can assume that even with a margin of error factored it is most likely that the statement of “most guys want younger guys” is likely not true.

As someone that regularly plays with guys in age ranges from their low 20’s all the way to someone in their high 50’s, I find the results to be quite satisfying!

And finally, my thought about those that do specify an age range.

If someone is in their 40’s or 50’s and only wants to tie up guys in their 20’s, as this study suggests there are some (though relatively few) out there, I have to say this.

It is a little creepy, and you are swimming in a very small boat.

If that is the only way you can get off, you can only feel dominant with someone that is very much younger than yourself, that is your choice. But it is also the choice of the rest of us, those that don’t have such preferences, to find fault with such a choice. You are not only missing out on a vast population of great kinksters to play with, you are indicating, likely unintentionally, a lack of your own maturity by needing to dominate only those that are in the least likely potion to challenge your dominance.

I have chosen, quite purposefully, to play with those that do challenge me, either as a sub or a Dom. Those that don’t aren’t likely to be interesting enough for a good play session.

In my own opinion, of course.

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The Leather Community – What It Means to Most Kinksters

So, I recently spent some time pontificating on the leather community and what it means to me as someone who is a regular player in the kink world. I wanted to see if anyone else felt as I did about what the “Leather Community” means to us, so I reached out to 20 people that I have know for a while to ask them if they wanted to write something about what it means to them.

The problem is that every single one of them said the same thing. The leather community in their respective regions means nothing to them and they have nothing to write about. There isn’t even a resentment or strong negative feels, just an overall antipathy and really couldn’t muster anything else to add.

And these are true players and well known people in the kink world, and the leather community who prop themselves up as leaders are supposed to be representing. They have said they the true players, they are out there having classes on how to perform the kinks properly, and holding the events that everyone goes to but ignore the official functions of. Yet the people I have come to know and respect want to have nothing to do with the “leather community”.

For myself, I wanted to try. I had joined the leather community in the local area hoping for mentorship or leadership, someone to show me the way, but it turned into something really challenging. I felt like I got burned, and not because of why in that community may think is the reason.

I had always hoped for someone to come over to say, “Hey, here is a little direction, let me show you the way,” in the same sort of way I have heard others get. They talk about their leather . But instead I walked away because I didn’t know how to ask for that, and no longer being young enough to attract it, or never having been pretty enough to demand it, I don’t expect I ever will find that sort of leadership for myself. But I do know it was never offered to me. Instead it just turned ugly.

I have recently tried to reach out in my own way, to work on developing my own direction on what it means to have a leather family. For now I will feel my own way out for it, as that is the only real option for now.

For myself, I am tired of hearing the gossip, and hearing that despite the fact that I distanced myself and kept to myself after pulling back from the leather community, people still are talking shit about me. I only ever wanted to help, and have regretted it ever since I did.

I know there are others out there that have felt as I have. I know they hoped to find something there and disappointed that it wasn’t what they thought it was going to be. I hope one day this leather community learns how to reach out and hold onto those that are eager and need direction, to live up to the potential of their words when they adorn themselves with the mantle of leaderhsip.

Because right now they are missing out on a  very dynamic world, a world full of the best and most talented players I have luckily come to call friends.

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Instincts and Puppy Play

This last weekend during the annual New World Rubbermen Weekend, which was held at Rubberasylum and Wetsuitjay’s home, I had the opportunity to rediscover an old submissive side of myself that I haven’t delved into for a while.

Now, overall I was not as Dominant as I usually am at events or in my personal life. I suppose that came from the work I have been doing in the last six month, where I have been tasked with leading a team of a couple dozen individuals in my professional life. I can be hard sometimes to always be “on”, so it was nice to not for a while.

I got a chance to spend a little time as a pup. There is a local Sir who was at the party for only a short time, Sir Randy. He has two pups that are friends I have known for a long time, and Sir has had several conversations with me about being a pup for him at some point. We just haven’t had a chance to make it happen.

So when he came up to me to ask if I would be a pup it was a special moment for me. I got into some rubber, borrowed a hood and found my mitts, and brought them to him. It was all I had with me at the time.

There was some memories that were coming up as he was locking on the mitts, and fitting the hood, memories of back when I was first getting into pup play. The excitement of it all, the drive to find my inner instinct and let normal flow of thoughts melt away.

For each pup the headspace is different, or at least described differently. For me, it is all about instinct. When I am in pup mode I let go of the reasoning part of my head, the memories an the analyzing, and go instantly with what the animal part of my brain wants. Follow Sir. Jump. Lick. Bark. Play. Sit. Scratch.

The attraction of this, the reason why so many pups love this kind of play, is simple. It is living in the moment.

I wish I could tell you much of what happened next but it became a blur of emotions. Pride. Nervous. Playful. Horny. Warm. Scared. Loved.

But the mechanics of what happened I lost. I know we went upstairs, there was some people near by, but can’t remember exactly who at the party saw me as a pup as I wasn’t paying attention. I know a set of football shoulder pads where put on me, I know I got petted by a few people, and I remember Sir scratching my head a lot, but after that I lost most of it.

When I came out of it, when Sir was taking off the gear and telling me it was time to come back, my normal thoughts started sticking again, the flow of instinct rescinded back to the background, to the part of my brain where it quietly suggests rather than controls who I am.

I didn’t think it was possible to go back there, but glad to find I still had the ability.

So thank you Sir for giving me that opportunity! I can’t wait for the next chance I get to explore this.

And I look forward to working with some other pups to find the same opportunities to find their inner instinct.

Before I close, I want to share two things.

I have kept some people at arm’s length at times, due at least in part because I have carried hurt feelings, and more than a little guilt for having them, around with me in regards to someone I was once close to. It may still be a little too soon to say finding my pup again lead me to remember that the Now is what is important, but it had to have at least helped. I spent the next night speaking to the person who I had once blamed for my hurt feelings, and apologized for wasting such time. For that I am grateful.

And finally, I have a photo to share form this moment with my football buddy, Kip.

kip & sparky

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E7 Gear!

One of the things that I was shopping for at IML this year was some new rubber. Last year I purchased a rubber singlet from Recon, but unfortunately the thing lasted 6 months before it failed on me in the middle of a scene (ugh!) so I was hoping for something a little more reliable and of higher quality.

Prior to heading to the event I cruised the list of vendors and noticed the E7 listing, checked out their stuff online, and immediately knew this was going to be one of the must stops on my tour through the mart, and they didn’t disappoint.

Now my partner will likely say that my purchases from E7 was partially influenced by the attention of the sales boy, Skinboy1, and he would be partly right. He was incredibly helpful, and very complimentary of my first item I tried on, the Surfsuit shown below (mine doesn’t have the red stripe). After trying it on I know that I had to have it and immediately purchased it. This is the suit that I wore under the bondage suit listed in my recent IML story.

At the same time I also purchased a set of matching arm bands, which makes for a fun look all the way around, and I have been wearing them often since.

On the second trip to the leather mart I took a look at a zip front shirt that caught my eye, as it was all in yellow (also pictured below). Now I have only recently started to get into colored rubber gear, having just purchased a blue shirt from Ebay shortly before the event, and finding the different colors fun. Perhaps donning this yellow shirt for the Sunday night hangout in the lobby helped with the fun had with the owner of E7, which was a great cap for that night.

The gear is all very well done, and a nice thickness. I know that my future rubber gear purchases will be coming from this site, and I encourage you to check them out as well! You won’t be disappointed.

Check them out at their website: http://www.e7gear.com/

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What is the difference between puppies and furries? A Finale

This post is part 1 of 4 in the series Differences Between Puppies & Furries.

For the final installment of this series, I am dedicating my final words on the subject to the man who inspired me to ask the question in the first place.

Today our thoughts and prayers to the family and friends of Bodisama, who with his partner are the owners of Devil Dog Rubber. He passed away today, and though I didn’t know him well and was only hoping to more in the future, I did get a chance to talk with him recently and found him to be a truley wonderful man.

At the bondage party I attended a few weeks ago, during the late night hours sitting in the hottub with Bodisama, Rubberasylum and KinkiDiver the discussion turned to furries. It would seem that Bodisama had a growing respect for the furry community, and was trying to impart how much more vast the furry community is in this country than many of us other kinksters realize. Having heard similiar things from other friends, I was intrigued, though I felt that perhaps it could be the same as rubber or skins or gearheads becoming similarly ubiquitous over the years within the larger kink community, but Bodisama didn’t necessarily agree.

Since then I have been searching around on the internet, and talking with some pups and furries about the subject, and have since come to appreciate what he was trying to get across.

In no way can this be better illustrated my revelation surrounding furries than in the question that was first posed to me, and caused me to express an answer here. As someone who was (and still is in many ways) a puppy did I feel there was a difference between puppies and furies.

Now, I must confess, up until that moment I had held some prejudices about furries. While I have met some wonderful people both online and at events in general, most of the self identified furries I had met were not so… well not so. I had a couple of bad issues with stockerish behavior from some furries, and I have to admit that I took a few bad experiences to paint the entire community.

So my answer to the question is likley not very accurate, as my main goal when answering was to ensure that there was a difference, as I didn’t want to be compared in such a way.

Since then I have talked with a several more boys that are solely furries and have had the opportunity to learn more about them. I am not going put everyone up on a pedestal right now, as there are a still a few nut jobs out there, but the same could be said about people from other kinky streaks to.

What really brought a new perspective was some of my friends, people who I have come to value and appreciate, sharing with me personally and on this blog, that they are not only puppies but furries too. That helped me to realize what is really important: there doesn’t need to be a difference between the two, we are all in this life together.

The shitheads in any community shouldn’t ruin it for all the good people that are out there.

I think that one of the greatest compliments I can give to is that someone helped to challenge my beliefs and change my mind. That is exactly Bodisama did for me. Thank you for making me see the world a little differently.

You will be missed.


Devil Dog Rubber

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Pup Jet: What is the difference between puppies and furries?

This post is part 3 of 4 in the series Differences Between Puppies & Furries.




In the continuing effort to explore this discussion, I have had with a few pups I know about the differences between pups and furries, we are going to turn now to Pup Jet.

I will have to admit that I don’t know him as well as I would like, we have talked a good deal via IM and have met a few times now at events, but haven’t had the chance to really spend much time with him! I am looking forward to, however, for one simple reason. Having once been a pup myself I learned to trust my instincts, especially when sniffing out genuine people, and this pup is one of them. The kind of person that wants nothing from anyone other than to be treated well, and has no agenda other than to be a good pup and a good boy. I like that, and think that many people, including myself, can learn from that. I am very much looking forward to seeing him again soon at IML.

Pup Jet

Pup JetI have been asked to write a short bit about my feeling on the differences between pup play and furry. Let me start by saying read rubberfiendʼs and Pup Donʼs posts first. While I have my own take on things but they did a wonderful job and I will reference their work in here.

I am a gay rubber pup who is also a fur. Unlike rubberfiend, I found rubber/kink first, then came out to myself many years later, and then not long after discovered furry. So while it is a slightly different road than he or others may have taken the path to understanding who oneself led to similar places.

To me the key point that both rubberfiend and Pup Don have already stated is that there is a relation between the two, I really liked Pup Donʼs use of the term “cousins”. These two groups are the same yet quite different and both are unique in their respective sub cultures. While both have suffered repression from outside and more painfully from within.

This pup sees pup play (and pet play in general) within the kink community as a release, a focusing on being true to one’s inner self. Be that a desire to guard/protect, preform for, or just love and obey your handler/owner (for myself it is the latter). Now, this is NOT the same as a boy/submissive being made to act like a dog, that’s another topic entirely, where I come from it is the desire of the pup to be that, a pup. This desire comes from deep within, and the first time I was able to be a rubber pup for a friend I knew instantly within it was who I am. Feeling that unconditional devotion and desire to care for my handler as well as the deep caring given to me by my handler. As rubberfiend stated: pup play is more tied to the D/s dynamic. For myself, just putting on my pup gear (hood, mitts, etc.) brings me into that mindset of the k9 wanting to please his handler & wanting to be the 6ʼ3” lapdog that I am. Hey! Great Danes think they are lap dogs, why can’t I? Don’t knock it ;)

As a fur, I see myself part of a vast yet distinct diverse community. One that unlike many groups celebrates diversity and accepts more so than most. Furry for me is a social release of that k9 side, I can be with friends who are like minded and release into a care free and creative environment. The connection to the inner self is also there for some furs, a feeling of association with their animal side, a release of that side of their personality. However one can also look at it as a way to simply express one’s self using an animal persona. The one key difference is basically put, it is not all about sex, it is about being one’s self. Oh sure there is sex (there is a good bit of that), talk about sex, and well more X-rated art then you can shake a bone at (far more then IML). But deep down it is a way to connect with your inner self, a release and an escape from the impressed norm.

Now sure it is not all people holding hands singing around a camp fire in harmony. There are clicks, niches, sub cultures, and behaviors that are not accepted; but generally I have yet to meet a more accepting group of people. I have found in the gay kink community a lack of acceptance of heterosexual kinky couples yet, I find negligible differentiation in the furry community about sexual orientation.

I recently saw a bit of art on DeviantArt [link] about tolerance. I for one try to accept my fellow pup, wolf, fox, & even kat no matter if they are in leather, rubber, or fur. To you I say WOOF!


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